


i will stand with you

by softieforshadowhunters



Category: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:19:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25244527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softieforshadowhunters/pseuds/softieforshadowhunters
Summary: It has been over five years since Emma Carstairs found her parents’ bodies washed up on the ocean shore. Although she now knows who was responsible for their deaths, she still fears the ocean and what hides in the darkness below the waves. In this one-shot, Julian comforts Emma as she deals with her fear of the ocean and the death of her parents.
Relationships: Julian Blackthorn/Emma Carstairs
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	i will stand with you

The fear had been ingrained in her since the day she found her parents’ mutilated bodies washed up on the sand in Los Angeles. It didn’t matter that they didn’t actually die thrashing around in the waves, scrambling towards the surface, begging for air. It didn’t matter that they had been killed by a warlock on dry land and left lying around for someone to stumble upon. The fear was born that day, and the fear still lived on. 

Staring out at the endless deep blue abyss, all she could feel was the fear — the tightening in her chest that made it hard to breathe, the beating of her heart steadily growing faster and faster and faster, so fast that she thought it was going to break through her chest but she couldn’t breathe or speak or —

“Emma. Emma, look at me.”

Emma tore her gaze from the sea and turned towards the voice. It was that voice, his voice, that had always been able to reach her when no one else’s could. It was his words that brought her comfort — they always had and they always would. From the secrets whispered in her ear when they were just children to the vow of loyalty and friendship that he proclaimed to her in their parabatai ceremony to the promises he breathed against her skin every morning when they woke up in each other’s arms — that he would never leave her, that he would always protect her, and that she was his happiness, his refuge, his universe, his Emma. Even now, years and years later, it was his voice that she loved to hear the most. 

“Emma, love, it’s okay. I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.”

Over and over he whispered those two words against her as he held her close, his breath stirring the blond strands of her hair. 

“Jules,” was all she could manage to say. 

Responding to her voice, he began to pull away from their embrace, but Emma tightened her hold on him so that they were pressed up against each other even closer than before. She wasn’t ready to talk — she just needed him to hold her. Her skin tingled as he ran his hands up her arms that were wrapped tightly around his waist. He started at her elbow, tracing soothing lines up to her shoulder before wrapping his arms around her fully, letting one hand rest in the center of her back while the other found its way into her hair. She heard him softly telling her that she was safe, that everything was alright, that he loved her and would always protect her, but she felt so far away. All she could hear was the crash of the waves banging against the shore again and again and again. She felt like she was drowning and it didn’t matter that she was on dry land, up on the porch of their little house that sat quite a ways from the water. She had to get away from it all or she was going to drown.

“Can we go inside?” she whispered against Julian’s shirt. He smelled like he always did — cloves, soap, and salt — and she knotted her hands in the fabric as he lifted her up from the waist to carry her inside. She brought her legs around his torso and crossed her feet so that they rested against the small of his back. She squeezed her thighs so that she was wrapped so tightly around him that she worried for a second that he might not be able to breathe. It wasn’t that she feared that he would drop her — Julian was strong and she trusted him more than anyone in the world — but her ears still rang with the beat of the ocean waves and he was the only thing that kept her from falling under their dark cover. 

Julian sat down on the edge of the bed and scooted back so that he was leaning against the pillows layered in front of the headboard. Emma was now seated in his lap with her knees on either side of his waist. Despite the change in position, her arms were still locked around his neck and her forehead rested against his shoulder. He traced circles on her back and whispered soothingly into her hair. Everything about him — every word, every touch — was soft and gentle. 

Emma could hear Kieran’s voice in her mind telling Julian that he had a ruthless heart. She could see herself standing in front of him when they were still parabatai telling him that he had scared her, the way he crafted lies with ease and delivered them without batting an eye. But this Julian, the one who held her now, he was gentle. Because Julian was gentle with the things that he loved. 

Emma knew that his heart wasn’t ruthless, it was simply broken — just as hers was. They both had lost so much and endured pain that no one should have to endure. It left them shattered, simply fragments of who they could have been if their parents were alive, if there had never been a war, and if they had been normal parabatai — parabatai that had never fallen in love. But their parents had died, and they had fought in a war, and they had fallen in love, but together they picked up the broken pieces and they each served as the glue that held the other together. It was love that turned Julian from an innocent boy into a man — a man who killed his own father to protect his siblings, who raised four kids when he was only twelve years old, who watched as his sister died in his arms, who started wars and won them no matter the cost. It was love that made Julian ruthless. But it was love that made him gentle too. 

Eventually Emma’s heart rate slowed and her grip on Julian loosened. Sensing this change, Julian spoke.

“Em?” he whispered.

The years they had spent together allowed them to hear the words left unspoken between them. Emma knew that he was doing more than simply asking if she was ready to talk. In just that one syllable, there were hidden promises: that if she was ready to talk then he was ready to listen and that if she wasn’t, then he would hold her close until the time came. All she wanted was to stay wrapped up in Julian’s arms and let him tell her over and over that she was safe and that he loved her until her fears faded away, replaced by his soft voice and his strong hands. But she was a warrior. This was simply another battle that she had to fight.

Emma took a deep breath to ground herself and squeezed her eyes shut as she lifted her forehead from the safety of Julian’s shoulder. She kept her eyes closed as she straightened her spine so that she sat upright in Julian’s lap. Even when she felt him push a lock of hair behind her ear and even when he kissed the tops of her eyelids with a tenderness that made Emma’s heart squeeze in her chest because she didn’t deserve this boy or the love and patience that he showed her; she didn’t deserve someone as good as Julian; she was broken beyond repair and she didn’t deserve someone who was so willing to break himself apart to put her back together — even then, she kept her eyes closed. It was not until she heard his voice that she let herself see his face.

“Emma, look at me,” he breathed.

The first thing she saw was the pair of blue-green eyes that she knew so well starting back at her. She remembered the night on the beach when she had looked in his eyes and seen pure fear and desperation. In some ways it had been terrifying to see him so out of control — Julian was supposed to be the level-headed one who kept her grounded and tempered her blazing fire. But that night the walls he had built so carefully around himself fell apart in front of her.

“We are bound together Emma,” he had said. “Bound together — I breathe when you breathe, I bleed when you bleed, I’m yours and you’re mine, you’ve always been mine, and I have always, always belonged to you!”

Now when she looked at him his eyes were clear — the wall had been gone for so long now — and his gaze upon her was steady. There was overwhelming gentleness in those blue-green windows mixed with a tinge of sadness at seeing Emma in pain. Without thinking, she ran her thumbs under his eyes and down his cheeks as though she were wiping away his tears. She was the one with wet cheeks, however, not him. 

He smiled softly and his eyes fluttered shut at her touch for just a second before he was looking at her again. 

“Ems, talk to me,” he pleaded and the softness of his voice broke whatever wall was holding her together. 

“It terrifies me,” she cried, choking on her tears. “I can’t think or breathe or move and I just imagine them dying over and over again and I never got to say goodbye and I —”

A sob escaping from her throat interrupted her spill of words and she quickly clasped her hand over her mouth to cut it off. Julian tightened his arms around her and pulled her closer to him so that she was curled up against his body. He kissed her temple and spoke to her softly promising once again that she was safe, that he was there and he wasn’t going to leave, that above all else he loved her and everything was going to be okay. When the sobs that racked her body subsided, Julian spoke again. 

“Your parents loved you, Emma. And I wish they were here.” He planted a kiss on her shoulder before continuing. “God, I wish they were here. I wish they all were here, that we could have all made it out in one piece.” He took a shuddering breath and Emma knew that he was thinking about Livvy and remembering her sweet smile and bright eyes that lost their light when she died in Julian’s arms. She knew that there would always be a hole in Julian’s heart where Livvy should be and that there was a part of him that would always be broken. No matter how hard she tried, that piece could only be healed by his sister’s touch — a touch that he would never experience again. 

It was her turn to comfort him now, to save him from the thoughts that ran through his mind each night; the thoughts that drove him into a spiral of guilt and grief so deep that it left him frenzied and lost whenever he resurfaced. She pushed herself up onto her knees so that he had to crane his neck back slightly to look at her face. She pressed her lips to his forehead and wrapped her arms around him, resting one hand at the back of his neck and the other in the curls of his hair. They were both so broken; scarred by their trauma so deeply that it woke them up in the middle of the night sweating and screaming and breathing heavily, but they were always there to comfort one another. Sometimes it was Julian holding Emma in his lap while the nightmare subsided and other nights it was Emma shaking Julian awake, pulling him out of the dark places that his mind took him, grabbing his face in her hands and waiting until his eyes cleared with the realization that the nightmare wasn’t real but Emma who sat in the bed beside him was. 

They were broken yes, but they were also strong. Even after losing so many, they still chose to love, and it was the love they had for one another that soared above it all. They were strong in that they still found joy and laughter despite the sadness they had endured and they still saw hope for a better future even with the darkness of their past casting a shadow over them. They were strong. It was what they whispered to each other on the nights when the nightmares came — they were strong, they were okay, they had each other and they would make it through. 

Julian pulled away and looked up at Emma, twirling a lock of her hair around his finger. He looked her in the eyes and spoke, no longer allowing himself to be comforted when he knew that Emma needed it more. 

“I know that it scares you.” His voice was steady and his gaze upon her never wavered. “But we fear things because we value them. For so many years you believed that it was the ocean that took your parents, that they died hidden underneath the surface in endless darkness. And so you feared the ocean because it took the two people you loved most in the world. And it may take years before that fear subsides, but you are strong, Emma Carstairs. You are the strongest and the bravest person I know and when the day comes that you want to dip your feet in the water, I will stand with you.”

He leaned up to brush his lips against her jaw and then her neck before settling back down again. He took her face in his hands so that she was looking straight into his eyes. “But until then,” he whispered, “we will stay on dry land and I will stand with you here, too.” 

With a small tilt of his head he brought his lips to hers. He let his hands travel down her back until they found a place to rest on her hips while Emma brought her hands up to cup his face as she deepened the kiss. She ran her thumbs across his cheeks and allowed herself to get lost in the taste of his lips. She opened her mouth over his, breaking the kiss for just a second before connecting with him again. It was slow and gentle — exactly what both of them needed. They loved each other with a passion that burned inside of them like fire, but sometimes a brush of lips and a whispered “I love you” was all they needed to keep themselves from falling apart. 

Emma pulled away, at last, still holding Julian’s face in her hands. Their foreheads were pressed together and Emma looked down upon Julian’s closed eyes, his dark eyelashes resting on his cheekbones. He looked so young, so innocent — there was no ruthlessness in this boy. But no matter how he looked, Emma knew that he had grown up too quickly in order to take care of his siblings and that his innocence had been stolen long ago, replaced by blood on his hands. Julian Blackthorn was ruthless, but only to those who threatened what he loved. And Emma was the one he loved the most. 

“Julian,” Emma whispered into the space between them. 

He mumbled a soft “Hm?” and opened his eyes in response to her voice, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips. 

“I love you,” Emma said quietly. 

He brought his hand up to push her hair out of her face and allowed a single golden strand to flow across his palm as his fingers traveled down to the frayed ends. “I love you too, Emma,” he whispered back. 

They sat in the silence for a while, arms wrapped around each other as the sound of waves crashing against the shore seeped into their little house. Finally, Emma spoke. 

“Jules?” 

“ Yeah?”

“Can we go put our feet in the water?”

He slowly moved his forehead away from hers and looked at her closely for a long time, running his finger across her face, tracing the shape of her lips. He couldn’t help but smile. This was his Emma — a warrior who faced her fears head-on and never considered even for a second that they would get the final say. 

“Are you sure?” was all he said.

“Yeah,” she replied and her mouth slowly grew into the shape of a smile. It was that smile that brought Julian a feeling of happiness so strong and so deep that sometimes he thought that it would kill him. But no, he would survive it, he would survive all of it — all the wars, all the battles, all the demons in the world. You could turn a thousand soldiers against him and he would come away victorious just for the chance to see that smile one more time. 

“Yeah, I’m ready. All I need is you,” she said.

“You have me,” he promised her. “Always and forever, you have me.”


End file.
